Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
