woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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