i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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