Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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