My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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