Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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