why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
