billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
