On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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