Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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