Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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