I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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