Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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