he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
