wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
