His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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