I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
