hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
