i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
God, I missed his penis.
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