Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
