I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
