EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
