I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
