when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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