nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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