shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
