I need to stop coming to work sober
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
