Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
