Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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