I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
