i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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