Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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