By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
