You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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