Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
