If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think your dad took our porno
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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