is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
