hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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