I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
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