oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
