drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
