Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
