Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
