The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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