Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
how do you play pong handcuffed?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
