i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
