id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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