god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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