Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
