Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
