rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize