the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
