I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
