I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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