I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
