i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
