I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
