how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
