1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
