remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
