Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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