If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
