i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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