I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
