do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We're too hungover to prance.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize